Building healthy boundaries for a fresh start to the new year

If you feel like you’re getting weighed down by everyone else’s wants and needs, it might be time to focus on what you need to feel happy in the year ahead.

Constantly saying yes - to impossible work deadlines, to taking on someone else’s feelings or problems - can leave you exhausted, with little energy left to look after your own physical or mental wellbeing.

We’re not suggesting you turn your back on the people around you. But you shouldn’t turn your back on yourself either. Setting emotional boundaries - where you choose when and how to say yes - is a key part of keeping your mental health in a good place.

Sumeet Grover, UKCP-registered psychotherapist, Marlborough, UK

How to set healthy boundaries

It’s a good idea to lay some groundwork for healthy boundaries if you feel yours are being increasingly crossed.

Grover suggests a helpful first step is to categorise boundary breaches into two types:

• Behaviour that affects your core sense of self.

• Behaviour that takes you for granted.

“If someone belittles or shames you, they have crossed a line, for which they had no permission or agreement,” he says. “On the other hand, when people take you for granted, it is usually your time, effort, money or other resources that are being used without consideration.

“In both cases, the other person is failing to recognise you as someone with your own thoughts, feelings, needs, and a mind of your own.

How to protect your time and work-life balance

It’s crucial to unplug from work now and then - otherwise, stress can build up and harm your mental wellbeing.

“Remember that by putting in work-life boundaries, you are ultimately protecting your own mental wellbeing,” says Grover. “This helps to create more time for people and things that are important to you.”

How to protect your emotional boundaries

Emotional dumping is when someone unloads their feelings or problems on you, without thinking about whether you can manage it alongside your own.

“The most important thing to remember is that when someone is in emotional distress, it is their responsibility, not yours, to resolve it,” says Grover. “If their emotional dumping feels overwhelming, you can be direct and say something such as, “This is too distressing to hear, and I think you might benefit from speaking with a skilled professional.”

“If the person continues, change the subject. It’s a simple but powerful way to interrupt negative or unhelpful patterns of behaviour.”

How to protect your physical boundaries

Boundaries aren’t just about emotions or time. People can also cross your physical or material boundaries, such as your personal space, belongings, or touch.

Grover explains that a respectful and non-accusatory way to communicate physical or material boundaries is to speak from your own experience.

Examples include:

• “I felt very uncomfortable when you touched me.”

• “When you opened the drawers in my living room, I experienced that as disrespectful and inconsiderate.”

It can also help to start with two positives before stating the boundary, such as:

• “I know you are in distress, and I know life is difficult for you. But please don’t call me after 6pm when I am at home with my kids.”

How to communicate your boundaries without guilt

If you catch yourself over-explaining, you may be getting stuck in the cycle of victim, persecutor, and rescuer.

In these moments, Grover suggests pausing, taking a deep breath, and stepping back.

“Remind yourself of your boundaries and state them with clarity,” he says. “Be kind as you express it, without taking responsibility for the other person’s needs or feelings. Aim for communication that is soft, respectful, and assertive, without adding unnecessary detail or justification.”

What to do if your boundaries are being ignored

Grover explains that maintaining your boundaries relies on clear and consistent communication.

“Generally speaking, if there’s no consequence for unhelpful or hurtful behaviour, neither we nor others are likely to change,” he says. “First, tell the other person respectfully, clearly, and assertively what impact their behaviour has on you, and ask them to "stop"."

He says that sometimes this alone can be a very powerful step, as many people have perhaps never been told to "stop" doing something that hurts others. However, if your request is ignored, you may need to follow through with a proportionate consequence.

To start a new year with stronger boundaries, you should aim to build and maintain them for the long-term.

Grover recommends you begin with yourself - slow down, try meditation, and connect with your most vulnerable parts with empathy, kindness, and compassion.

“If you don't value yourself, it is likely that others will not either,” he says. “So valuing yourself at a deeper level becomes the foundation for healthy boundaries. Be respectful and kind when setting boundaries, but do not compromise on behaviour that violates your sense of self or takes you for granted.

“Over time, these practices will help you recognise what feels right for you, communicate it clearly, and stay consistent with your boundaries.”